walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
