is your mom at the bar?
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
