tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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