what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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