apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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