eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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