I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
