why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
