I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Text me some of your sweat
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
And then he peed in my hair
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