he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
