my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
