yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
