I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
