just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
