I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
