Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
