I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
