I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
