Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
