I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
