wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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