My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
