I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
