can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
