My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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