you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
