I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
