The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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