u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
