i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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