All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
