nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
