I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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