So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
