Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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