In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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