a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
ttyl tear gas
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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