genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
