I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
