Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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