I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
