I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
