Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
did i walk over a car last night?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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