In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize