she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Green mimosas i think yes
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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