cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
