YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
