ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
