I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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