Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
