Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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