i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
