I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
