if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
