haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
