dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
