I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
