Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
