I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
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