its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
