A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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