I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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