im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have already put on my inside pants.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
