Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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